Tuesday

Inhale… observe. Exhale… appreciate.

So much reflection, so little time, so few words in the dictionary to explain.

The world works in mysterious ways… at least that’s what we say to excuse the encounters which confuse us, or the connections which surprisingly stimulate our minds and hearts. As 4/20 brought an end to this extraordinary weekend, I found myself high as a kite from an unexpected source. No, this high does not flow from an herbal-refreshment. It is much deeper than that, much more significant in its ability to thrive for days, weeks, and hopefully years to come. It is alliance, relationship, and the affection we find for true, deep human connection. It is those people whom you forget you miss, those people whom you never thought you’d relish, and those people whom fulfill your deeply-secret expectations. It was a weekend of love, happiness, and most importantly, a weekend of pivotal proportions, as I found a new level of emotional-acceptance.

When we look to the people who love and adore our existence, we desire explanation and detailed confession of their appreciation for our character. Why do you like me? Why are we friends? Why do you love me? What do you like about me? Do you like this? Appreciate that? Tell me, tell me, tell me. To keep things honest, I would feel compelled to reach for my thesaurus in an effort to explain my love for each person whom kept me floating high on cloud 9 the past few days. I owe you more respect than sweet-sounding vocabulary, and wine-bottle definitions, so I won’t try to define that love. Instead, I’ll stick to what I know…

My butterfly wings grew vibrant in color during this exceptionally social weekend. I feel more spirited, more defined, and more self-accepting than I have in the past few months. And while I am at a loss for words in defining my affection for those people whose paint added to the rainbow which I now wear, I assure you, my smile remains constant and contagious. I cannot please you with words to fit a compliment, or definitions to add to your character-building. No, I am only left with the ability to articulate how you made me FEEL, how you’ve surfaced something in me, how you’ve revealed a greater part of MY character; one that may have been hidden, lost, or never-before exposed. As my fingers dance on the keyboard, dedicated to perfect expression of this feeling you’ve caused, I face humanity’s tragic epidemic of ‘understanding’. It’s a steep slope, feeling something inside ourselves, because we often dismiss the survival of an emotion, and instead, we drown its beauty on a journey to understand WHY it was born. But, I swallow this battle of understanding, and I sit back, inhale, and exhale with a sigh of apology; for I do not understand its existence, I only recognize its presence. Complicatedly simple, right? ;-)

We all strive to know our independent importance and uniqueness, and we rely on others to fulfill this prophecy for us. However, isn’t it more important to know we simply make others FEEL --better, happier, lovelier, more peaceful, simple, grateful, etc. etc.-- for no other reason than just “because”? ….and that’s all I have. All I have is a way to express how you made me FEEL, and how you stimulated my emotional existence. I don’t know what it is that I like about you, I don’t know what it is that makes me remember how much I’ve missed you, I don’t know what it is that brings a smile to my face when I remember this mid-April weekend, but I DO know that it simply exists. Is that enough? Is it enough to know love, yet not understand it? Is it enough to know a smile, without an explanation for it? Is it enough to know that I appreciate you in my life, but I have no idea why? Yes, I declare -- it IS enough.

Words simply fail in a world where ‘understanding’ is the depth of our soul. Feelings, emotions, and reactions are all that really matter in recognizing our love for something, so why do we strive so hard to define it? Words are meaningless, and if we submit ourselves to Webster’s handcuffs, then we allow for a claustrophobic ceiling that lingers-on. I refuse to be confined to the English vocabulary. I refuse to fit you into a sentence of empty words. Instead, I honor you by recognizing how you move me, touch me, inspire me, and stimulate me, my feelings, my heart, my soul, and all that makes-up the extraordinary person I am.

In essence, I don’t know why I love the result of the Chopin-&-soda’s I drank on Friday night, or why I am humbled and excited by the campfire heat from my Saturday reunion, why I am giddy, giggly, and grounded by the surprises which surfaced on my Sunday Funday, or why the sober high remains leftover from 4/20 …but that’s okay. It all exists because it simply exists. You, each of you, made me FEEL extraordinary. Period.

…and for the record, I finally get it. I choose vanilla because I simply choose vanilla.

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
(I found this quote to be very fitting. Author Unknown)


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Astounding. Love your spirit and passion and you. Pam

karez said...

omg! that was askldjal, awww.. i love it..