Tickets are cheap to the amusement park of my life. I call them my audience, but the people walking through call themselves my friends; I think we’re both wrong. Most of them arrive, only to leave as fast as the fun runs out. They walk by the rollercoaster, my white knuckles blurring by, but they quickly turn away pretending not to notice the lonely line. Most of them head for the twirling teacups, this line overflowing, disguising their desire for fun with expectation of my presence.

…and then there’s "her"

She steps out from the onlookers, mazes her way through the empty line, and patiently waits ‘til I slow down & let her on. Sitting next to me, she feels the catching speed I've been victim to, but she toughs it out; loyalty against the empty boxes trailing behind me. Once around, twice around, she's been let in on every sharp turn, every jolting corner, and every breathtaking drop on my emotional ride, yet she doesn't try to pull me off. She knows the teacups aren't far, she can even spot the gentle carousel as we wiz by, but she also sees through the fake smile I'd be forced to wear on those rides, as nausea would follow my day. So..... she sits next to me, and we just ride.

She looks over at my tense body, eyes squeezed shut, holding my breathe as click, click, click,! My tears dry from the gushing speed as the seatbelt pinches the butterflies in my tummy, shoving them into my throat. We hit the bottom and continue speeding along the screeching railway.

Reaching over, she takes my hands off the cold metal handle-bars, and my knuckles fade from white through my skin. Feeling my hand in hers, I unclench my tightly closed eyes, and her encouraging smile releases my long held breathe. Our seats creep up the slope of an oncoming drop, and she holds up her arms in the air, telling me it's okay. I'm afraid, my stomach is in knots, but trust prevails as I remember the protecting love she’s shown me all our lives. Curving over the peak, my body relaxes as if I had been gripping my strength with every last muscle in my body ...and down we go. I hear her laughter as we descend with warping speeds, and my scream turns from piercing fear, to an ensemble of joy, and I feel the air wisp through my fingertips high above our heads.

A person's beauty lies in everything that manifests in their life, even the lament of their soul's sadness. My amusement park would be less beautiful without the occasional perilous roller coaster, and she sees that. Everyone waits for me at the twirling teacups, and the rainforest cruise, but she supersedes my loneliness and hops in next to me. It's hard to see beauty in an emotional rollercoaster, but it is genuine devote love which reminds us of the easiest way off: embracing the ride.


My Personal Pledge

Enrolled in a Queer Communities Sociology class this quarter (Winter 2009), I opted to do a creative project for my final assignment. I hold a lot of things dear to my heart, but floating on the surface will always be equality, civil rights, and above all, LOVE. Since the passing of Proposition 8, I've been struggling, gasping for air, realizing I drown in priveliged luxury. Soul searching, I needed to know: what do I have to give up in my life to make my fight succumb to any meaning in the battle over equality, marriage, and "legal love"? A handful of protests, an ocean of tears, and infinite desperate apologies to the LGBTQI community on behalf of the state I call my home... this is what I turned in on the last day of class. It's all I know left to do:


All dogs go to heaven.

"a ha! that's why that happened!" ~ "see! it all worked out for the better!"
It's moments like these, when the mind wakes up to a beautiful epiphany, life illuminates into a million smiles of content.

As humans, we get caught on a merry-go-round of impulse. Around and around, reality and logic become a blur spinning by. And as our impulse dizzies our mind, pessimism showers our soul.
Crying out in desperation, we declare victim in the brutal workings of the world. "Why me?" "What did I do to deserve this!" "This isn't the way it's suppose to be!" "This is my bad karma." "Nothing good will ever come of this." and the most daunting of all impulse beliefs: "My life is ruined."

As I sit here reflecting on those infinite moments in our lives, I'm supremely okay with this vicious cycle of lost faith. There's a reason our struggles aren't rewarded until our muscles are strong. As our pillows dampen, our foreheads wrinkle, and our thoughts grow bitter, we can't deny a strength growing inside us. There's a reason it became so cliché to preach "if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger." ...and it does. From our strength also comes a blindfold on our path of purpose. How often do we smirk off those moments where things fall into place? We laugh because we realize how entangled we felt, trapped in an oblivion of heartache, upset, anger. And just when we've put all the tornment aside, fate comes rushing at us, smacking us with a big ole kiss of destiny - "THAT happened, in order for THIS to happen."

Purpose is a funny concept. I'm reminded of the old wise tale of insurance - if you got it, you don't need it. When you're looking for purpose, all you find is a porcelain god praising nautiousness aside the merry-go-round. It isn't until you're riding the ferris wheel you find yourself sitting next to a blonde haired blue eyed girl, sharing your uncertainties of life, and your hidden dreams of heaven. I've found myself another passenger to sit next to me on this ride of life. Kirstin is one less empty seat beside me, and one more smile in my backpocket of friends.

I may never forgive the workings of my past, and I encourage her not to either. For, forgiveness implies regret, and regret is the torment of my soul. Letting the past be what it was, I finally open my eyes to it's butterfly effect on my existence. It happened, it hurt, and the big-picture-purpose will be ever-exposing. As we finish our genuine conversation, after years of anger, I find my gratitude amidst a sigh of relief, and I log this shared moment as a long lesson learned: the most unexpected things always work out in the most unexpected ways.