Whitewater Therapy

(in a letter to my pen pal...)

...that reminds me of being out in the water on my board. I lay down on it; flat as I can; head turned sideways, resting on the cold, hard, wet surface. My eyes are parallel with the horizon; which seems to go on farther than I could ever truly imagine. It is in that moment ...I feel small. It's a feeling I so desperately crave; more than I can satisfy.

I know a lot of people who can't see past the deceiving size of their own world. Life is only as big as they are, and the resistance for change is unspeakable. But what about people like me? To be bold, I must say life really isn't bigger than who I am. Please understand I so desperately wish it could be. I can see past myself, but seeing doesn't feel like enough. So, what does that mean? I'm not sure if it's hard to explain, or if ego is corrupting my own sense of understanding; but I think it means I know LIFE, as a whole, is bigger than who I am, but MY life isn't. In other words, I wish I was doing something with MY life that IS bigger than who I am and what I need right "now."

I have dreams, hopes, wishes, and beliefs about what I'm out to cause in the world, but sometimes I feel so wrapped up in "Alex." It's not to say a person should immediately feel selfish when they spend most of their daily routine just trying to take care of personal survive; but the truth is the little things begin to deceivingly grow bigger and bigger. It's no surprise I end up feeling like the axle for a revolving globe called Planet Me.

So the answer is easy, right? Risk? Leaps of faith? Manifestation? Yes, yes, and yes. ha! I know, I know... here I stand again at a crossroad, and the highway of fearlessness is calling my name. But until I punch that gear into first and take off on that road-trip to freedom, how do I occasionally escape from feeling so "big"/"universal"? Well, let's just call it Whitewater Therapy:

I rest my head on my board; the current rocking me gently, easing my breath. Hypnotically gazing into the horizon as the crashing whitewater mutes the chaos of the world behind me, I feel the majesty of the ocean overcome my thoughts. My soul wakes up and I whisper to myself... "I. am. small."


Unknown said...

good job Fearless Frost! Love it! You are a talented lady! More power to you!!!

Anonymous said...

Have you read 'Song of Myself' by Walt Whitman? He makes a compelling case for "I am large".